magazine (which bills itself as "The Ultimate Guide to Family Entertainment", which does sound better than "Plastic Porn for Materialistic Six Year Olds") has released its list of the
Personally not having played with toys since 2005, I thought it would be fascinating to survey the holiday faves that will inevitably be lining our nation's landfills in the spring of 2008.
(Bear in mind the list is not ranked - wouldn't want to needlessly upset the advertisers - so we'll be going through it in the order of appearance.)
Essentially a
American Idol-licensed karaoke doodad. It comes with a DVD featuring 12 songs; no word on whether or not you'll be able to belt out "Raining Blood" with this thing. "After you've had your turn, hear what 'Idol' judges Randy, Paula and Simon have to say about your performance." Nothing like buying your 10 year old a toy designed to drop her self-esteem through the floor. I'll tell you what: why not just tell her she's a fat pig who should stop eating ice cream and save yourself the $49.99?
Lil' Mike says: No "Ghostbusters", no "Beat It", no dice.
Aqua Dots Super Studio"Toys Wishes magazine call this 'one of the most innovative activity sets' to hit the market in a long time." Uh, looks to me like playing with beads. "Kids can use the translucent, multicolored beads to create cool designs, or they can follow the templates to make their own patterns." Yep, playing with beads. Grandparents, if you like puzzled, disappointed looks on children's faces, have I got the gift for you.
Lil' Mike says: This sure doesn't
look like The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time...
Barbie GirlsErm...Barbie mp3 players, evidently. For the child too stupid to ask for an iPod, and not stupid enough to ask for a Zune. Apparently "a two-part concept": a website in the Second Life/Club Penguin mold (not pictured) and "a doll-shaped MP3 player that comes with its own accessories." Holds up to 120 songs, give or take, and at $59.99 MSRP, could serve as a welfare/shiftless hipster iPod Shuffle.
Lil' Mike says: I ain't no bitch, and I don't truck with no bitch toys neither.
Eye-ClopsUh, it's a microscope that looks like an eyeball (hence the name) and needs to be hooked up to a TV in order to work. Clearly, this toy is a Trojan horse designed by the cable companies in order to force you to put a television set in your kid's room: picture, if you will, watching the final moments of a Game 7 with your little squirt pestering you to hook up the goddamned Eye-Clops to the goddamned family room high-def flat screen TV and you get the idea. Besides, what well-adjusted child do you know who would care what "a hair or a dollar bill" looks like magnified 200 times?
Lil' Mike says: Ima look up my motherf**king nose with that sh*t all day.
Guitar Hero III: Legends of RockThe latest incarnation of the
Guitar Hero video game series allows you to jam along with the Kiss, Guns n' Roses, and the Sex Pistols, huzzah. I can't talk too much smack about this one, because people in my demographic avidly play it. Instead, I will draw your attention to the fact that
GHIII is apparently being released for PlayStation 2, a development that speaks volumes about the state of Sony's successor console, the way-overpriced and killer-ap-less PlayStation 3. That this game, expected to be a huge seller, despite the $99.99 price tag, isn't a PS3 exclusive (a la
Halo 3 for Microsoft's competing XBox 360) tells you that the high ups at Sony have pretty much thrown in the towel on the platform (at least until Grand Theft Auto IV comes out in '08).
Lil' Mike says: This is so rad that I just pooped a little.
Hannah Montana Singing Doll and Pop Star StageHaving only recently heard of "Hannah Montana" (who is a character on a Disney Channel show and not a real person - though she is played by Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter, who is a real live person) courtesy of an insane ticket scalping fiasco re: a gig of hers in Florida, I imagine that this doll is going to be some real underground tween crack. The doll, $19.99, "sings actual songs from the TV show"; the "the fold-out Pop Star Stage" ($59.99) hooks up to "any music player" - yeah, try and hook it up to your Barbie Girl mp3 player and see if
that happens - allowing fans to put on a "concert."
Lil' Mike says: Despite totally getting to first base with Hannah Montana during my family's vacation to Niagara Falls (yes, I cheated on my Canadian girlfriend none of you have met; no, I'm not proud of it), I ain't playin' with no dolls.
Nerf N-StrikeKind of like trap skeet shooting for pussies. Looks like a classic case of great concept, shoddy execution to me: "kids load foam discs into the disc launcher and foam darts into the blaster. A wireless remote that attaches to the blaster lets you shoot the darts [
I assume they mean "discs"] to different heights and angles to make the game more challenging." Listen, in order for this to be remotely "challenging", and ergo, fun for more than 15 minutes, those "foam darts" would have to travel with some serious velocity over at least an intermediate distance. Considering the grave state of America's civil justice system, what with once-proud corporations afraid of manufacturing toys that could blind and maim hapless children in the course of routine use, there is no way this is happening. Also: what's my cell phone charger doing in that photo?
Lil' Mike says: "But Moooooom, I was only
pretending to shoot all my teachers execution style in the cafeteria!"
Rubik's Revolution"Toy Wishes magazine says this is one of the first puzzles to earn the endorsement of Professor Erno Rubik, creator of the first Rubik's cube." Well, color me flabbergasted.
Lil' Mike says: That's $19.99 I could be spendin' on some motherf**kin' Warheads, biatch!
Smart CycleActually, this isn't too bad: a stationary bike that hooks up to your TV, tricking your pudgy little bastard into thinking he's playing a video game when he's actually getting some exercise. Of course, you could save yourself $95 and just buy the kid a fucking ball.
Lil' Mike says: No thank you, I don't have Down's syndrome.
Spotz"Pick a picture from a magazine or the Internet and put it in the Spotz Maker and you'll get a cool collectible button." So...it's a button maker. Zzzzz.
Lil' Mike says: I liked it better when it was the Bedazzler.
Swypeout Online Battle Racing"Connect the USB scanner, go to the secure Website and swipe the collectible trading cards to power up for thrilling races." So I'm assuming the name "Swypeout" refers both to the swiping action with the cards, as well as the possibility of a "wipeout" whilst racing - with a "Y" thrown in because, hey, kidz hate it when you properly spell even made-up words. Seriously, scanning product names nowadays is like reading
The Diary of Samuel Pepys: "Londonne is byrning to thee Xtreme! Doo thee Dew!"
Lil' Mike says: My parents love me enough to buy me
Halo 3. Do yours?
Transformers Arm Blasters & Movie Ultimate BumblebeeWell, since my gf refused to see Michael Bay's Academy Award-winning adaptation of the classic animated series/toy line
Transformers, effectively ensuring that I would not see it, I cannot comment as to the authenticity of the reproductions of the Bumblebee and Optimus Prime's arm pictured above. However, my concerns about "soft darts" apply here as well - Transformers shoot lasers, not harmless foam projectiles that would surely glance off of their chrome and titanium exoskeletons with nary a scratch. When will people learn?
Lil' Mike Says: Wake me when they come out with
Unicron.
